A Problem Like Mary (text and podfic)
by penna.nomen
Summary: What if Mary Bennet's ridiculous behavior was a calculated effort to drive away suitors, because she was asexual? Her sisters are confused at first, but then offer their support when she finally tells them the truth. Podfic! The story text is in chapter 1, with an audio link in chapter 2.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Title inspired by the lyric "how do you solve a problem like Maria" in the song "Maria" from The Sound of Music. Spoiler: as the song says, the answer is to love her._

**A Problem Like Mary**

That the Miss Bennets should talk over a friend's wedding was absolutely necessary, and the day after Charlotte Lucas became Charlotte Collins, the sisters set out to Meryton to see the newest offerings in the local shops and to discuss the wedding.

"I'm glad that odious Mr. Collins is gone," Lydia said, always the first to speak her mind. "Now that he's married, I hope he stays away."

Kitty agreed, adding that Charlotte had risen in her esteem for taking Mr. Collins away. "I wondered that he didn't offer for Mary, though. After Mamma told him Jane was spoken for, he looked to Lizzie. Why didn't he look to Mary when Lizzie refused him?"

Elizabeth and Jane shared a glance. They had discussed it privately, but had forborne to mention it in front of Mary. For her part, Lizzie thought Mary was the sister best suited for Mr. Collins, and expected their mother had tried to point him in that direction. Perversely, as soon as Lizzie rejected him, the middle sister had grown increasingly eccentric and off-putting, to the extent that even Mr. Collins could not ignore.

"She should have snatched him up before Charlotte Lucas got him!" Lydia exclaimed. "He was desperate enough to prove that someone would have him."

"And why should I beg for the scraps my sister refused?" Mary was unusually spirited in her response. "As if I could not recognize how ridiculous he was!"

"Of course you could," Jane said, taking Mary's arm. "You were right not to pursue him if you did not care for him."

"Lydia, what did you think of Charlotte's gown?" Lizzie asked, seeking to spare Mary's feelings from more discussion about Mr. Collins. "The color suited her, I believe."

"It was old-fashioned," Lydia objected, and proceeded to describe the style of her ideal gown, heedless to the fact that it would not have been flattering on their friend.

#

"What are we to do with Mary?" Mrs. Bennet lamented when the family gathered for Kitty's wedding. "No matter how many suitors I find, none will come to the mark. And I am certain she pushes them away, with no regard to how it affects my nerves!"

Her two oldest daughters assured her that Mary would be cared for even if she never married. "She will always have a home with us if she wants one," Jane said. "And I am certain you feel the same, Lizzie."

"Indeed, she is a favorite with Mr. Darcy and Georgiana," Elizabeth said. She had been surprised at the friendship that blossomed between Mary and Georgiana. More than once, Lizzie had entered her home's music room to compliment Georgiana on her playing, only to learn that Mary was the musician. Privately she wondered at the level of taste her sister showed at Pemberley, when her playing was pained and pedantic elsewhere.

#

Mary became a favorite aunt, often staying with Jane or Elizabeth or Kitty and giving music lessons to their offspring. She spent more time with her sisters than she did at Longbourn. One year when the families gathered at Pemberley, she drew a portrait of the children, truly a challenge given their collective inability to remain still for more than a few minutes at a time, and yet she sketched them charmingly at play.

"Such exquisite skill!" Lizzie exclaimed when Mary shyly shared the work with her sisters. "Each child's expression so perfect. Jane, is not that precisely Clara's smile?"

Jane agreed. "Why have we not seen you draw before?"

"I have been practicing," Mary said. "I did not wish to disappoint with such a precious subject."

"Not disappoint!" Kitty exclaimed. "Or did you fear we would press you into becoming their art tutor, in addition to giving them music lessons?"

Mary shook her head and claimed it would be a pleasure to teach the children how to draw.

"I rather think I should like to have a drawing of you," Lizzie told her. "You look particularly lovely recently."

"It is the new hairstyle," Kitty said. "So much more becoming."

"And your gowns are particularly refined," Jane added. "Is there a new dressmaker in Meryton who has finally understood how to flatter your form?"

Mary remained silent, but her smile radiated her pleasure.

"You are happy," Lizzie announced. "That is what makes the difference. All the rest are mere trappings."

"Yes, I think you are correct. What wrought this happiness, Mary?" Jane asked. "Tell us so that we may endeavor to prolong it."

"Mamma has decided to stop matchmaking," Mary explained. "When I reached the age of thirty last month, she declared me truly unmarriageable. All of this time I have contrived to look and act ridiculous to overthrow her efforts, and now it is finally safe to be as elegant as I have always wanted to be."

"I had suspected these last three years that you were hiding your light under a bushel," Lizzie admitted, "but I have never understood why you would do such a thing."

"To drive away suitors?" Kitty asked. "That has been the result."

"I have no wish to wed," Mary told her. "No matter how many times I told our mother and begged her not to push me toward men, she would not believe I meant it. My only recourse was to become the least desirable of our family. It was tedious at first, until I learned to laugh at myself. I tried to make a game of it so that I might find some pleasure in being unpleasant."

"But such a lonely endeavor!" Lizzie protested. "I agree that our mother would not be persuaded, but could you not confide in us earlier?"

"Would you have understood?" Mary asked. "From the time we were children you dreamed of your ideal partners. When you were falling in love, would you have believed anyone did not wish to follow in your footsteps?"

"I think you are correct," Jane said. "It is only now, seeing you so happy to be free of entanglements, that I begin to comprehend."

"Well I do not," Kitty said. "Why would you wish to be alone?"

"I am not alone," Mary told her. "I have my parents, my sisters, and your families. What need have I of a husband?"

Lizzie glanced quickly toward the hall to be certain their spouses had not returned. "I have heard of women who prefer the company of other women…"

Jane gasped. "I had not considered that."

Mary shook her head. "I am not attracted to women, nor to men. I am… I am sufficient unto myself. I desire only the company of my dear friends."

Lizzie took her hand. "I hope you count me as one of those friends, for Mr. Darcy and I are ever fond of your company."

"Thank you," Mary said. "I am pleased to claim you as both a sister and a friend." She released Lizzie's hand and glanced at Jane.

Jane nodded decisively. "I agree with Lizzie. I count you as a friend and rejoice at your happiness."

"As I rejoice at yours," Mary responded.

Kitty remained silent.

"Only think, Kitty," Mary teased. "You need never worry that I will flirt with your husband." Only yesterday Kitty had complained that on every visit Lydia flirted with Philip, making both him and Kitty most uncomfortable. Now the children were old enough to question their aunt's behavior, and Philip had spoken of not inviting Lydia to stay again.

Kitty smiled. "What a lark it would have been if I had known. For I am certain your joke of chasing away suitors was a lonely one. Rejection stings, even when expected. I could have played the game with you and laughed with you afterward to soothe that sting. I would have been wiser to be your bosom sister instead of following Lydia's lead."

Mary returned the smile. "It is never too late to soothe the sting. When you are ready, I shall share my stories with you, and together we can laugh at my antics."

Lizzie nodded. "Let us laugh at the suitors, instead. I must know if Mr. Collins attempted to woo you."

At that, Mary laughed. "How I have longed to share the tale with you. Mamma desired me to 'comfort' him after you refused him. I suspected he preferred reading sermons at others over having them read to him, and I was soon proven correct."

_A/N: In the past I've been tempted by prompts to bring Mary and Mr. Collins together, but in my mind she always resisted. Finally she convinced me that her happy ending did not require marriage. _


	2. Chapter 2 - podfic version

Thanks to everyone who has been reading this story! To show my gratitude, I asked marvelous narrator Adelle Yeung create an audio version. You can find it here (replacing the space with a dot com):

soundcloud adelle_yeung/a-problem-like-mary-by-penna-nomen

Or, if it's easier, you can find this story on Archive of Our Own (AO3) and the audio version is embedded in chapter 2.


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